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It may have come to your attention that there is a lot of extremism in programming. People are very "opinionated". And while we do believe that those people are absolutely entitled to not letting anyone else talk ever, not paying attention to history or existing research, and not even shutting the fuck up for a second, we do not endorse such unreflected views.
We have found that one effective way to counteract such blind and thoughtless religious programming is to one up it. We present the first results of an ongoing investigation and inquiry into dominant programming cultures and their displacement through very extreme measures.
The discipline of extreme programming already includes many forms of dangerous activities, such as programming while drinking vodka martinis, programming while downhill mountain biking and programming while making your kids breakfast in the morning.
We are not going to lie, those are pretty badass. But we can do better. A lot better. We can be more creative, more defenceless, more extreme.
You ever see that twilight movie with the vampires? Vampires like the moon. But what would it be like to actually program on the moon? It would make you feel like a fucking vampire.
NASA has actually sent programmers to the moon in order to train them as vampires, but since the end of the cold war, funding has been insufficient to continue operations of this top secret research programme.
Pro-tip: Try jumping on the moon while you code, you will feel like you're flying, ready to suck the blood and hard-earned money out of your next client!
Sure, programming on other planets, such as the moon, is pretty sweet. But if you want to take your programming skills to the next level, you need to program in outer space.
Only in outer space will you truly learn to appreciate the public static void of your own code's meaninglessness. Don't bother bringing your friends, your screams of despair will not be heard.
Pro-tip: Change your text editor to a dark colour scheme for that extra spooky feeling while you die alone!
Skydiving or even breaking the sound barrier is pretty much an average task for a programmer these days. If you want to up your game, you need to program at 5000 m/s.
There are a several ways to achieve this. You can either find a very fast horse, or a very slow meteor. It has been mathematically proven that meteors can be slowed down significantly through the use of magnets.
Pro-tip: Programming at such high speeds will impress your co-workers, and they will finally respect you as a human being!
Everyone loves movies, this is a fact. Especially when you have some popcorn to go with it. And some 3-D shades.
So you're working on some 3-D shaders and getting your greasy popcorn fingers all over your keyboard. But you're not actually paying attention because you're watching a movie.
That's some badass coding. Also pretty disgusting. Wash your hands, sibling!
We know what you're thinking. There's a lot of good food, like fries and pizza. Why ice cream?
Coding is problem solving. Problem solving requires brain power. When you go on your lunch break, you flush your L1 brain cache for some random small talk about the weather or some other bullshit.
Ice cream is the only substance that can produce a brain freeze. Apart from maybe milkshakes, which are basically liquid ice cream. Brain freeze will protect that precious L1 brain cache for the duration of the lunch break, allowing your brain to unfreeze and continue operating at full capacity.
Suspending your brain is not enough. Moving takes away precious energy that could be used for typing on your keyboard. Why walk? Why move?
It is much more efficient to be suspended in water. Since programming itself is already an activity that feels like drowning, you will barely notice a difference.
So you want to be a cosmonaut.
Then maybe you should get Carl Sagan to do your next pedicure while you read millions and billions and trillions of pages in cosmo while analysing the space-time complexity of your latest algorithm.
A true programmer writes programs while getting her nails done by astrophysicists, if that's what she's into.
Pro-tip: Write programs while getting your nails done by astrophysicists, if that's what you're into.