how to run your iphone in production

the Z1 ran at 1 Hz. Hz stands for hertz, which is german for 💜.

a Hz is a clock cycle per second. it is the number of times a clock hand turns around per second. that's what cycle means, it means turning all the way around. in other words, your clock is operating at 1/60 Hz. that's super slow.

your iphone on the other hand runs at 1.8 GHz. GHz means giga-hertz. which means a lot of hertz. like billions of hertz. in system intentional notation that is 💜⨉10⁹.

now, when somebody experiences heart-ache, they may also say that it hertz alot. and that they are going through some cycle. in german there is a word for that, it is called hertz shmertz.

but that's not the point. the point is that we used to run computers at 1 hertz and now we run them at, like, a billion. the iphone is not only sourced, manufactured, and assembled under highly exploitative labour conditions in the democratic republic of the congo, taiwan, south korea, and china, it also makes apple an annual profit of $53.4bn a year, the most lucky of the fortunate 500, but also it fits in your pocket and you can play games on it and it runs at, like, a billion Hz.

servers are so uncool

servers used to be cool, but now they are uncool. phones are now cool and fast.

so how do you deploy and run your iphone in production?

you need to make it part of the grid. and you will need a rack. you will want a cluster, so invite your friends and have them plug in their iphones as well. you will want to stack those iphones. create an iphone tower.

the best thing about running your iphone in production is that you are never on call. your phone is!

one of the big advantages of #chatops is that you can do ops from your phone. using an app called slack. it's like ssh but with emoji. and the reactions are inline instead of on tumblr. but when you run your iphone in production you no longer need to chatops to restart your server. you can uninstall slack from your phone. you should have done so anyway because you should not be doing work stuff while you're commuting or in bed. you should read a book instead, or twitter.

so you may be asking, what is the operating system of the future? the answer is: linux on the server in the browser on the phone.

cloud ☁️

everybody has always dreamed of a true cloud data center. they tried putting servers into airplanes, but the servers were too large. too clunky. too uncool.

well guess what! airplanes have wifi now. and people have iphones. as part of the cloud-naïve generation, we have begun to bring our iphones to the cloud! if you want to plug into the cloud infrastructure, you can do it wireless. heck, even order a bloody bloody mary while you're at it.

and that, my friends, is how you will be running your iphones in production in the cloud.